"I'm gonna take my break." Dante sighs, wiping his brow.
a slight nod was returned, a mouth
upturned in a barely perceptible grin.
he walks toward the time clock
stuffing his gloves into his back pocket.
he's approaching the domain of the unknown
and anxious anticipation of a million unspoken words.
a grin crosses his face
in the usual seemingly
although such a grin for him
is anything BUT spontaneous,
extremely organized and genuine.
his usual brisk walk towards
the back room is accompanied by the regular
inward melody of music
sung softly under hushed breath
interrupted often by a smile
or a nod
or a greeting.
life is good.
Beatrice is in the back room.
Upon noticing Dante,
she immediately sits up a bit
as if shocked back into reality
from whatever daydream she was in.
Dante sits down, squirming in his seat as
his heart starts beating wildly.
Dante thinks that Beatrice is by far
the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
much to the dismay of poor Beatrice,
foolish Dante had blurted it out to her.
everything was different.
Dante sets his lunch out and begins
I'm sure if you asked him
he would not be able to recall
what he had for lunch that day.
occasionally the two work up the courage
to glance nervously at one another.
The silence is deafening.
15 minutes turn into an hour
Beatrice has long ago retreated into a text message.
Dante keeps bringing his hand nervously
up to his heart.
"Because she's not like the others."
another hour goes by,
people come and go
some sit down for a while
some stare at the floor
some do nothing but
check the time over and over again.
entire lives are lived
in and out of that backroom.
they grow old,
they live and die.
in fast motion the world around
Dante and Beatrice moves.
life passes them by.
one day turns into two
Beatrice and Dante remain seated
squirming in their seats for
all the unspoken words
and the occasional glance.
a week passes
Dante oscillates constantly between two resolves:
Firstly, the desire to walk out
thereby ending the discomfort of them both.
Secondly, a refusal to abandon her
and everything that she represents.
with a deep sigh
he stares at the wall
pondering what to do.
"if only I could take her by the hand," he thinks
"we could walk beneath the host of heaven"
"we could lay beneath the moon and stars"
"and laugh and tell stories"
"I would ask her all about her adventures"
"and where she has been"
"and what she has done"
Dante begins to grow tired.
he lays his head on the table and closes his eyes.
images of Beatrice pass through his
endless questions and curiosity.
"what does a real woman smell like?"
he breathes in deeply through his nostrils
"what does she like to do?"
he absentmindedly runs a fingertip over the pitted tabletop
"why does she sometimes look so sad?"
"if only I could make her smile....or laugh..."
he bolts up
as if zapped by
1.21 gigawatts of white hot electricity
"that's it!" he proclaims
a metaphorical finger in the air
"confidence, and boldness, and laughter"
"to take the place of"
"fear, and anxiety, and awkwardness."
"smiles to replace frowns"
"words to replace silence"
"warmth to replace coldness"
"connection to replace loneliness"
"closeness to replace distance"
Dante rises to his feet.
it's a small step
he has been walking
in this direction for months now.
He approaches solitary Beatrice and with
a single deft motion
takes a seat at her table.
clearing his throat a bit, he says
(in near perfect confidence):
"who is a bunnies favorite actor?"
"I don't know...." she says.
"Rabbit De Niro."
from the look on the face of Beatrice
Dante has just told her, by far,
thee corniest joke
-ever- to be uttered
in the hallowed recesses of the back room
by one such as Dante,
to one such as Beatrice.
a slender hand to a mouth upturned
in a slight grin
simply elated with himself
staggers up from the chair
turns tail and skips toward the door
the biggest smile on his face
ever to be smiled in the entire world.
"wait!" Beatrice calls after him.
"you forgot your backpack!"
still grinning from ear to ear
he takes the bag from her hand
and with a slight bow
turns and bounds out the door.
he skips all the way home
singing and dancing
his way down the street.
what does tomorrow hold?
we shall see.
I am going to go
wander around under
the host of heaven
and sing songs to God.
There is a hill
near my house,
better than any
I want to lay there
and make music
We can lay
on our backs,
has been inverted,
to the ceiling
instead of laying
on the ground
the window is open.
I caught a whiff of a fire.
the smell of
it brought me back
if you were my wife
I would have asked you
in that moment
to come sit with me on the couch,
the one by the window.
we would sit together
and enjoy the smell of the fire
and I would ask you all about
life and where you've been
and what you've done.
i would tell you
how much i loved you,
but even more
i would listen to you.
you would tell me
all about your adventures
would be worth
much more than gold.
to hear your voice,
and know it was directed at me,
would be the greatest thing.
what would i learn from you?
what wisdom would i
glean from you
who are you?
where are you?
my Father told me
you would come soon.
I patiently wait for you.
You are the apple of my eye.
You are the only one.
I love you
"you know he's just trying to steal your joy," he says.
"just ignore him."
"he won't be around much longer."
i sigh and hang my head.
"thank God for that."
he points his finger to the middle of my chest.
"it's what's in here that matters." he says.
"and what's in here.....is me."
"and I am greater than all."
"and you are with me."
Together, we are seated in heavenly places in Christ Jesus.
Glory be to God
I know she's coming soon
"thank you, Abba."
I am so in love with you baby
when will you arrive?
I whisper sweet nothings in your ear every night
I dream up new ways to love you
as I lay in my bed.
the hope of you keeps me warm
I toss and turn
with longing for you.
my heart aches so bad as I lay there
dreaming about you
"please Abba," I say
"bring her soon."
I wonder what she smells like
the sound of her voice
I want to watch her
laugh and smile
I want to examine her slender hands
I want to experience her eating an apple
and describing it to me
in the moment
I want to watch her step outside into the fresh air
and morning sun
and greet the day
with a stretch
and a yawn
and a soft giggle.
I felt that.
my heart is starting to ache again.
I love you so much.
you are the apple of my eye
I will never leave you or forsake you
I will honour you and cherish you
I will protect you
I will be your shield and covering
I will stand in the gap
no one will hurt you or make you afraid
as long as there is breath in my body
you are so beautiful
please manifest her soon, Abba
nothing has been the same since
"seek and you shall find" you said.
and i had sought
i had not found you
in the totality of your fulness
(and i still haven't, but that's neither here nor there)
and i was worried.
a hundred doubts swirled in the air around my head
i lay there in the dark
on that bed
its like i was on fire with unknowing
tormented by invisible jabs
"enough of this!!!"
i took my pillow
and to the middle of the floor
"where are you????" i whispered
"i have searched for so long."
"you said i would find you."
"why haven't i found you??"
"where are you???"
"please show me."
and then you answered.
like a sharp, pointed dart
came your voice
impaling my doubt
"in the bed." you said.
"how it comforts you and warms you."
"how it gives you a place to sleep."
"there I am."
"in your shoes," you said.
"how they protect your feet and keep them warm."
"in your clothes," you said.
"how they cover your nakedness."
"in the lamp."
"how it gives you light, so you can see."
"in the food you eat, which nourishes your body."
"in these four walls and this roof."
"in that chair."
"in that pillow."
"do you see how I gently cradle your head in my bosom all night?"
"I am love." you said.
May my Father,
the God of all comfort,
the source of all good things,
bless you abundantly.
i hear your voice in the background
such sweet out breath as the piano dances behind you
"you always seem so sure." she says
i'm still riding the waves of your song
long into the night.
thank you for that :)
life passes me by in the parking lot
i just watch it go
these moments are so precious
and so rare
my face turns up into a smile
"if we only knew."
I wonder if Abba hums along sometimes
I bet he does.
sometimes there is so much to see
sometimes there's so much to say
and the best way to say it all
is to remain silent
who knows if any of this will even matter one day?
it will be the only thing that matters.
I'd sure like to dance with you sometime
thank God for emptiness
how can a glass that is already full, be filled with anything new?
first it must be emptied
then it can be filled
if you wish to empty yourself of beauty
pour it into me, i will drink it up
the paradox is this:
you can only keep what you have by giving it away
the more you pour yourself out, the more you are filled
the more you take in, the emptier you become
such is life and love
I always told you what I saw
when I looked at you.
you can curse me all day,
send out spirits
to drag me down
a finger I will not lift against you.
I will bear this in my body
I will hang here and die
because I love you, sister
and I always will.
I am borne up in the hands
of he whom I have to do with
if you run to him
his love will save you.
he will heal you
and make you whole.
he loves you.
we are all praying for you.